Last week, I bought a pair of shoes by Christian Siriano (for Payless) which I label as undeniably devastating. Siriano has been designing for Payless for several years but this is the first one that caught my eye both online and in person. I can barely justify it because I can’t name more than three events this year to wear them but….
I was trying on the shoes with my new black eyelet Gap dress that is in the fit-and-flare style when NPY returned home from work. He stopped on his tracks and said something he’s said a few times this past month or few weeks, “Who are you?”
He suggested that I’m having a mid-life crisis and I very possibly might be but I chose to coin a new term, to put an emphasis on the root cause: Pre-Pregnancy Crisis.
I hate talking about it because there is so much more to life (spoken like a true childless person). Some time in the next 12-18 months, we will have a child and while I want to keep pushing it off (no biological clock here), it is time. The part of me that doesn’t want to be left out of the mommy club that most of our social circle has joined is the part that convinces me the most to take the plunge.
Who knows what is on the other side? A better life? A worse life? Certainly an enriched life.
I have become one of those people and come to that age that while I have much to be grateful for, upon self-evaluation, I’m not happy with what I have to show for it and coming around to thinking having a child would complete us, the next and – ugh – ultimate challenge. I hate that.
In a manner of speaking, things have been going well. I have renewed focus on my career due to people I’m spending time with and the scary thought of time marching on forward with or without me.
It could very well be, as I have observed before, that I’m just a better person in the summer or when it doesn’t rain. But I also realized that around the end of June is when my fitness allowance renews which means the year before I would have spent some fitness money and several vouchers and class cards would expire if for a one-year term. So that was another push to get to fitness and dance classes a lot throughout June. That and training with my cousin for his marathon in September. What else do I really have to do after work (besides study)?
It is a loftier goal to lose weight due to and for training than, well, because I’m like every other woman. I use the guideline as a motivation, “For every pound less you weigh, you shave a minute off your marathon.” I am excited to see how many minutes I could potentially save due to weight loss alone. (Currently standing at six, within two weeks, too.)
I’m obsessed with doing something active everyday and there’s a lot of choices: dance, run, hot yoga, badminton. A condo gym is helpful because I can always go down for a really vigorous walk on a really steep incline (awesome workout for legs and glutes). Unfortunately for NPY, sometimes this no longer leaves time for our after-dinner strolls around the Village.
Physical activity is all good and well but the biggest effect come from diet and I have finally found what works for me:
- At work: I’ve stopped having a real lunch which used to include leftovers from the night before or bread with some spread; instead, I have a malt or almond milk drink if available and fruit and celery – I feel happily smug eating celery. Not eating at work keeps me feeling better about myself throughout the day and keeps me free for whatever happens for dinner. Usually dinner is just at home and either I will cook and serve myself the smallest helping in the smallest bowl and I am relieved if NPY isn’t even eating at home.
- Talking about it: Two people in particular are positive influences, both co-workers – Andrea and T. T is a little phenom who doesn’t (generally) eat after 4 p.m. and proves that that doesn’t mean one doesn’t have enough energy in the evening. Andrea has lofty weight-lifting goals and extreme discipline proving that a boring and unwavering lunch of baked naked chicken and vegetables yields results. We work on the same floor and can talk about food we want to eat but don’t. She gets it.
- Dining out: It is still difficult, but here are some recent examples. (1) We went for dim sum and ordered 9 dishes. Instead of having a full piece of each dish, I had just a bite and I was full enough. Then I skipped dinner. (2) We went for a Chinese meal served family style. Instead of having a full small bowl of each of the three dishes, I had half a small bowl and then skipped dinner. (3) At a wedding banquet, I’ve been to so many now, it’s not that special. I won’t have seconds and only eat food I like. I also skip one of the two carb courses at the end – more for NPY to enjoy. (4) We went for sushi. I had my work non-lunch and participated almost equally in this meal having half of the maki and only the fish part of the salmon don. I didn’t feel bad about that.
I’ve been dressing with more care for work and washing my hair daily despite the fact it is thick and falls all the way down my back. I’d rather feel five-star all day rather than starting out four-star and plummeting to two because my hair is oily and gross-feeling. NPY is puzzled by this and doesn’t recognize me.
All this because of my huge fear of how things will change, how I won’t have control over any of this in 12-18 months and for years after that. I’m saddened that I couldn’t enact these changes six months or a year ago but… better late than never.